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Želim ti reći da mi je žao što nisam ranije otišla

Želim se osloboditi prošlosti, želim se osloboditi strahova, želim si oprostiti sve učinjene pogreške iako nisu bile moje. Želim da me razumiju kada kažem da ne mogu dati cijelu sebe. Želim priznati da nisam jaka i da me boli. I da je to zapravo, u redu.

Želim krenuti dalje bez da me vuku željezni lanci prošlosti okovani oko moga srca, moga razuma.

Najmanje šta ti mogu reći je da….

Mi je žao što sam se toliko trudila.

Žao mi je što sam ti toliko stvari dopuštala.

Žao mi je što sam ti prvi puta oprostila.

Žao mi je što si ti meni oprostio.

Žao mi je što sam toliko dugo ostala.

Žao mi je što ranije nisam uvidjela.

Žao mi je što je toliko mene ostalo u toj vezi da se mjesecima nisam znala pribrati.

Toliko dugo sam trpila tvoju frustraciju koja je bila bačena na mene, da sada, kada sam se napokon oslobodila tebe, ne znam kako prepoznati pravi put od vlastite frustracije, jer si ti vidio stvari kojih nije bilo i jer ja, sada, ne znam kako vjerovati drugima. Toliko je prošlo, a još će toliko vremena proći dok ožiljci od okova ne nestanu. Jer si mi značio.

Žao mi je što si me psihički tako jako bacio na dno da sam počela vjerovati u tvoje riječi.

U ono što si govorio za mene. U ono šta sam ja tebi bila. Onakvu kakvom si me ti vidio.

Žao mi je što si drugima pričao grozne stvari o meni kada sam ja tebi htjela najbolje.

Žao mi je što su drugi u to povjerovali jer sam samo htjela steći nova prijateljstva.

Žao mi je što si preuveličavao naše priče.

Žao mi je što te nisam pustila da odeš drugoj.

Žao mi je što sam trpila tvoje prijetnje.

Žao mi je što sam dopustila da mi postavljaš granice.

Žao mi je što sam ti dala da me zatvaraš u vlastitu kuću.

Žao mi je što nisam vidjela koliko si loš za mene.

Žao mi je što si svaki dan, iznova, imao punu šaku uvreda za mene.

Žao mi je jer sam dopustila da te riječi budu bačene na mene.

Žao mi je jer sam dolazila umorna doma.

Žao mi je što ti iste sekunde nisam odgovarala na poruke.

Žao mi je što ti iste minute nisam javila gdje sam. Ili s kim sam.

Žao mi je što si radi toga bio isfrustriran na mene.

Žao mi je što sam svaki dan slušala tvoju galamu jer sam svaki dan nešta krivo napravila.

Žao mi je što ti na društvenim mrežama nisam davala povoda da opet možeš bit ljut na mene.

Žao mi je što nisi našao ono šta si tražio.

Žao mi je što sam sebe uvjeravala da će sve proći.

Žao mi je što sam ti dopustila da me tako tretiraš.

Od svih ružnih riječi, od silne boli prouzrokovane tim riječima, još gorim djelima, silne ljubomore i posesivnosti, od “ljubavi” prema meni ja još uvijek pokušavam izvući dobro.

Pokušavam ne misliti na tebe i na ljude koje sam usput izgubila. I ne mogu se više praviti da mi je svejedno, držati se po strani i lagati da me ne boli. Boli me.

Želim ti samo reći da mi je žao što ranije nisam shvatila da ti smijem reći ne i da se smijem okrenuti od tebe i otići.

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