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„Ma volela sam te.. A sad me pusti“

Oni koje smo voleli, a posle se rastali sa njima – nije vazno po čijoj inicijativi, ali njihovom krivicom – zašto se vraćaju? Čovek, koji je pre godinu ili pet, slomio tvoje srce, od kojeg si otpuzala u suzama, mrzeći ili opraštajući- nije bitno, koji nije zaboravljen ni dan- danas.

Kako se može zaboraviti uklanjanje slepog creva, čak i nakon zaceljenja, barem zbog ožiljka. Onaj koji je jasno stavio do znanja da je sve gotovo- vraća se. Zašto? Jednom mesečno ili u šest meseci, ali obavezno dobijaš od njega poruku, mail, poziv… On samo želi da zna kako sam, želi da se pohvali još jednim uspehom, sledi poziv u bioskop… prespavati sa mnom, ili ponovo oterati me do đavola.

Ja ne mogu, ceo život sam umirala od zbunjenosti, i ne patim samo ja – zato što je već kraj, kraj, gotovo je – on je oženjen, udata sam, ružne reči su odavno izrečene, izvinjenje je doneto. Odavno sam ravnodušna, ali i dalje me boli..

Takve stvari, dragi moj – sve se svodi na kontraindikacije: odavno sam ravnodušna, i dalje me boli.

Neubedljivo? Ali, to je upravo ono što osećam. Zavolevši, otvaramo svoje srce, jednosmerni kanal na nekoliko megabita, koji je nemoguće blokirati. I svaki, bivši dragi, odlično oseća frekvenciju i sa vremena na vrema, bira broj da bi upitao: „Hoćeš da odemo u bioskop?“

Ja odgovaram: „Ja ne želim u bioskop. Želela sam provesti sa tobom pola veka, roditi sina, koji bi ličio na tebe, i umreti s tobom, jednog dana. A u bioskop – ne, ne želim“. Ali, naglas, naravno, izgovaram samo prvih pet reči. Ali priča je uvek ista: on zove da bi me upitao: „Da li si me volela?“ I ja odgovaram: „Da“. Da dragi, da kretenu; samo – da.

Odavno sam ravnodušna, i dalje me boli. I dalje diskonektujem srce, nakon svake konekcije. Ne znam šta uraditi, da bi nas ovi povratnici prestali mučiti. Mogu biti ljubazna, vikati, ne javljati se na telefon, ali i u mislima, on će, svejedno, čuti odgovor na svoje pitanje: „Da li si me volela?“ – „Da“. Na miru ostavljaju samo oni koji nisu voleli. Tačnije, ako i zovu, jednostavno ne primećuješ to.

Zaključak se sam nameće . Možda treba sama da šaljem poruke jednom mesečno? Trošak je mali:

„Volela sam te“. A sada se smiri. A sada me pusti.
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